Enjoying the shallow end

“What you see and what you hear depends a great deal on where you are standing. It also depends on what sort of person you are.”

-C.S. Lewis

Sometimes I worry being a very simple person, someone content with what they have, causes me to be shallow at times. I am a firm believer in seeking the truth but don’t need to know everything, understand every little detail, or ask a million questions in order to be happy. I believe there are many things in life we have to take for face value, not try to force change or worry about always having the answer. My approach is very much like that with my faith, there are plenty of things I don’t understand completely but I believe and trust.

The other day, I was listening to a friend go on and on about a topic, having to over-analyze and complicate it by forcing deep thoughts on what is actually a simple idea. I just thought “Why are over-thinking and over-complicating this? Why in seeking to better understand, are you trying to force change and choose to focus on the negative instead of the positive?”

Sometimes I think in seeking the truth, we end up getting even more lost. By over-analyzing and over-complicating, we allow anger, fear, hate, and other unpleasant emotions to enter the equation; developing opinions and creating division between others. We get sidetracked by all the little details and lose sight of the big picture. Sometimes I wonder why we can’t be more like children? Why can’t we approach life with wonder, awe, and simple childlike trust? Why must we over-complicate our lives? This week, I’m going to focus on being childlike not childish, care to join me?

“A childlike mind in its simplicity practises that science of good to which the wise may be blind.”

Friedrich Schiller

Sunrises are my thing

“Next time a sunrise steals your breath or a meadow of flowers leaves you speechless, remain that way.”

-Max Lucado

Early mornings and sunrises are my thing. To me, there is something so beautiful and exciting about the early morning right before the sunrises. Everything is new, fresh, and unknown. I love waking up early before everyone else and watching the sun slowly come up, shining throughout the house. When we first moved into our house, my dad put cherry wood paneling and shelves throughout our living room. It is a beautiful room, almost something like out of a magazine, minus all the dust. There’s something so magical and captivating about seeing the sun light up the room in the morning, I think he would be proud of his work. Early mornings like this fill me with such wonder and hope.

I have been reading a book about the Beatitudes, trying to deepen my understanding of their meaning. However, I haven’t gotten very far because I keep re-reading what it means to be poor in spirit and how the other Beatitudes tend to stem from that. One of the basic characteristics of the poor in spirit is wonder and awe, to face every situation with childlike faith and delight in whatever surprise the day might hold. This is something I really need to work on.

After a year of putting it off, I finally broke down and bought a new contact because the lense needed to be updated. Because I’m legally blind in one eye, I’m always hesitant to wear a contact on my good eye on the rare chance something would go wrong and I lose my vision completely. But despite the risk, I love my contact and not having to wear glasses that always slide off my face. My eyesight is much clearer with a contact and I tend to notice things I typically wouldn’t notice, which is good and bad. For example, I never truly stopped and noticed how intricate and delicate a leaf was until the first time I wore my contact.  In that moment, I felt a sense of awe, wonder, and gratitude. However, last time I wore my contact, I instantly noticed how bushy my eyebrows were and felt self-conscious about it all day. Guess those Italian genes are pretty strong. Bushy eyebrows are something I usually don’t pick up on but with improved vision, it’s so much easier to nitpick everything that’s wrong, at least in my opinion. With my contact in, I’m more aware of self and is that really a good thing? Sometimes I think our vision, our perceptions, and what we judge to be right often causes us to lose that sense of wonder and awe. We have a tendency to over-analyze, over-think, and complicate things instead of just being content with what is.

This week my goal is to not lose that wonder and sense of excitement I see in a sunrise. To try to not let the chaos or unexpected surprises of the day take that wonder away. 

“Always be on the lookout for the presence of wonder”

-E.B. White

Warmth of the Heart

“I say to myself that I shall try to make my life like an open fireplace, so that people may be warmed and cheered by it and so go out themselves to warm and cheer.”

—George Matthew Adams

I do not like the cold of the winter or to be cold period. Constantly shivering and being frozen. My toes turn weird colors, my hands turn to ice, and my joints get tight. When I was younger, I loved the cold and it wasn’t unusual for me to walk around the house in shorts and a t-shirt when it was 20 degrees outside. Because of the radiation treatments I went through at a young age, my body temperature was always warmer compared to most and I tended to exude heat. My friend actually used to call me radioBeth because whenever she hugged me, whatever temperature it was outside, I was warm. I was like my own little furnace. However with time, the radiation has left my body and I find myself easily getting cold. Unlike my younger self, I layer up in warm clothes, drink lots of tea, and enjoy snuggling under a comfy blanket.

So for Christmas, my mom got me a super cozy knit blanket from Ireland. It’s nothing fancy, just a simple cream-colored throw with green shamrocks along the edge. Our plan is to go to Ireland when my mom retires but with COVID, that trip might be postponed for now but she thought a blanket from there might be a nice surprise. Well let me tell you, this blanket is so incredibly warm! It’s crazy how a blanket with holes in it can trap so much heat. There have been times when I actually have to move the blanket because I’m too hot. It’s like I’m a kid again and not always freezing.

The blanket along with keeping me nice and toasty, reminds me of the warmth of childhood and having a childlike perspective on life. There are so many differing opinions and such anger in the world today. People trying to understand everything and getting irritated when they don’t get what they want. Sometimes I think the best thing we can do is to take a step back and try to look at the world through a child’s perspective. Instead of over examining and trying to control everything, simply live and take a look from a child’s point of view.

“See the world with the innocence of children.
Approach the world with the daring of children.
Love the world with the readiness of children.
Heal the world with the purity of children.
Change the world with the wisdom of children.”

-Neale Donald Walsch

Sunrises and gratitude

“Yesterday is gone. Tomorrow has not yet come. We only have today. Let us begin”
-Mother Teresa

I love to wake up early during the summer and watch the sunrise, there is something so beautiful and breathtaking about it. Sunsets are equally incredible but watching the sunrise just sets the tone for the day. Sunrises are full of promise, full of wonder, and each unique in their own way, To me, a sunrise is God’s way of saying “Good morning, this is for you”. Sunrises on the water are my favorite though, the sun reflecting off the water. Even on the days where it’s slightly overcast or rainy, I still love seeing the sunrise.

As my mom and I were watching the sunrise at the beach, we both wondered if people who live on water take sunrises for granted. Do they enjoy them each day or do they just become used to seeing the sunrise and become so concerned with other things that they don’t have time to enjoy watching the sunrise? But that made me think how much do I fail to see the sunrise even when I’m not on vacation or I’m in a rush? Worried about taking care of a, b, and c, wanting to be in control of the day, and not taking time to enjoy the present moment.

Friday I celebrated 25 years since undergoing my first surgery to remove my brain tumor. Over the years, so many people have told me how unfair it was for a child to experience something so scary. Yes it was scary but I will always say that it was the greatest blessing of my life because of my age. First of all because I don’t remember much except the few things that mattered to me. Like the love of my family, the kind nurses and doctors, and having to wash my hair in the kitchen sink to avoid getting my stitches wet. Second of all because that’s when I first learned what it meant to be strong, courageous, and to have hope. My parents both made sure to remain calm and brave in front of me despite knowing I had a rapidly growing brain tumor. Because of the way they acted in front of me, that made me believe everything would be alright and to stay strong and fearless. It also tested my faith at a young age which looking back, I’m grateful for that because it helped me to understand what it means to have childlike faith. At a young age, I learned what a gift life is and to not take life for granted because it can change with the blink of an eye.

I’d like to say being a childhood brain cancer survivor makes me never take life for granted but that would be a lie. It’s probably safe to say we all take life for granted at times. It’s easy to get caught up in the politics of life, the difference in opinions, and, in our everyday anxieties. I try to be grateful everyday but easily get distracted by worrying about things I can’t control which only lead me to feeling discouraged, uneasy, and hopeless.  But with each sunrise I’m reminded of what a privilege it is to be alive, even if it’s a rainy sunrise.

“The secret to happiness is to live moment by moment and to thank God for all He, in His goodness, sends to us day by day”

-St. Gianna Molla 

Blind joy

“The only thing worse than being blind is having sight but no vision. “

-Helen Keller

How often do we take our five senses for granted? Our sense of smell, touch, taste, hearing, and vision.

Out of all of my senses, vision is something I always try to stop and appreciate. I’ve been legally blind in my right eye since I was eight years old which means I can really only see out of my left eye. However, my left eye is extremely nearsighted and my vision is pretty blurry. Without my glasses, I can clearly see maybe a yardstick length in front of me.

While I’ve grown used to wearing glasses, for years I begged my doctor to let me try a contact for my left eye. My eyes also don’t automatically blink like most people and when they do shut, they don’t close completely. So they are constantly dry and easily become irritated which was a concern with a contact but so far it’s been a risk worth taking.

Earlier this week, after being fitted with a new contact this summer, I saw my doctor for a checkup. We started out with a basic vision test of looking at and reading letters from a distance. As usual, my right eye pretty much couldn’t read anything but my left eye kept going further and further down the chart! I was able to read the tiny letters across the room. With my new contact in, I could see 20/20, something I haven’t seen for most of my life! For the longest time, I used to see pictures of trees and notice their individual leaves. I always thought it was so beautiful how a photographer captured that and wondered why trees (at least the ones I saw) didn’t look like that. But now with my contact and thanks to other advances in technology, I can finally see the individual leaves! They aren’t just in pictures, they’re real! On my drive home, it was mesmerizing to look out the window. Despite being gray and rainy, there was so much newfound beauty and sights that I’ve overlooked for years.

I feel like most of my blogs end with something about gratitude and how having an attitude of gratitude leads to happiness but it’s a message that never gets old. For me, it’s so easy to not be grateful, to overlook the simplest of things, to get caught up in the daily routine and become blind to the world around me. My contact is a small reminder of how much I have to be grateful for. How there is beauty everywhere despite the difficulties in life, even in the simple things like leaves. It reminds me to have a childlike point of view, to approach life with wonder, awe, and joy. It reminds me, as my mom puts it, to take a look in the rear view mirror. To stop thinking only about yourself and take a look at the impact you leave on people. Earlier this month, a women I briefly spoke to at a Christmas Bazaar actually ended up writing an editorial later that week including me it and the impact our short conversation had on her. There I was just volunteering, doing my own thing and look what came from it. It was very touching and moving to read. 

Everyday is filled with simple joys and moments of wonder. Before becoming blind to the world, take a second to be grateful for the moment at hand and to approach life with childlike innocence.

 

24 years

“Go through life like a little child, always trusting, always full of simplicity and humility, content in everything, happy in every circumstance.”

-St. Faustina

Tomorrow marks 24 years since my first surgery to remove a brain tumor. It marks the beginning of an interesting adventure and my struggle with cancer.

Thinking about where I was at that time compared to where I am now brings back so many memories and emotions. Feelings of uncertainty, being scared, realizing how quickly life can change. Trying to be brave, courageous, and fearless because that’s the only option you have. To having feelings of gratitude for every moment, constantly hoping and trusting that the best is yet to come.

Being diagnosed with brain cancer at age 5 and immediately undergoing surgery seems unfair and wrong to most people. Like why does someone that young have to go through something so difficult?! But looking back I truly believe it was a blessing in disguise. It taught me how to be resilent in all siuations, to have courage when everything seems terrifying, and to remain calm yet determined. To know that I am not always in control. To find joy in the smallest things like being able to stand up on my own or being able to walk outside instead of being stuck in a hospital bed. Above all, it laid the foundation for me to learn how to trust in God and in those around me, to hope for the best, and to always have childlike faith. 

Shortly after being diagnosed, I remember a social worker came in that day to my room and gave me a cloth doll that was completely blank. The worker told me to pretend the doll was me and to draw on it how I was feeling. When I handed it back to the social worker, she just gave me a look of shock or disgust. I guess she expected me to draw someone in pain with needles sticking into the arms but instead I drew a smiling, happy girl dressed in a cute pink top with purple shorts. Maybe that was a representation of how I felt; a girl who was smiling, completely fearless, and had faith that everything would be okay. 

Thinking back to 24 years ago, it wasn’t the best part of my life but thankfully it wasn’t the end either. Experiencing something like cancer at such a young age may not seem fair but the life lessons I learned are irreplacable. Even now, I sometimes have to remind the adult version of me to let things go and remember those lessons from the past. To embrace the younger version of myself full of wonder, fearlessness, and childlike faith.

“Once you were a child. Once you knew what inquiry was for. There was a time when you asked questions because you wanted answers and were glad when you found them. Become that child again.”

-C.S. Lewis. 

Having a child’s point of view

“Life is not measured by the amount of breaths we take but the moments that take our breath away”

-Maya Angelou

In our daily lives, it is so easy to focus only on the negatives of each day instead of seeing the beauty and treasure in every moment, no matter how simple it may be. 

Over the past few weeks, I’ve found myself to be like this at times, kind of going through the day just to get by and not always seeing the beauty around me. As a way to combat this, I’ve challenged myself to approach life with childlike innocence. It forces me to stop throughout my day and appreciate life and the simplest of things. Having childlike innocence enables me to see each day for the wonderful gift it is, instead of as just another boring day of the week. This shift in perspective also brings about an attitude of gratitude. It causes me to be grateful for all that I have been given and as a result, my heart usually ends up overflowing with happiness and peace.

But probably my favorite thing about trying to live each day with childlike innocence is it helps me to see the big picture and what is truly important to me. That small, day-to-day worries or problems don’t matter as much as we seem to think they do in that moment. 

“See the world with the innocence of children.
Approach the world with the daring of children.
Love the world with the readiness of children.
Heal the world with the purity of children.
Change the world with the wisdom of children.”

-Neale Donald Walsch

Don’t suck the fun out of life

“There’s joy and wonder everywhere when you see the world through the eyes of a child”

-Katrina Mayer

Isn’t there just something fun and exciting about drinking through a straw? Whether it’s bendy, striped, twisty, or bright neon colors, straws transform an ordinary glass of water into a cup of fun.

One of the many side effects I experienced from brain cancer and radiation treatments was losing all facial movement. For several years I couldn’t smile, frown, and had no control of my face. My cheeks became extremely puffy due to the lack of muscle and the steroids I was taking. Saying I looked like a chipmunk is an understatement. As a result of this, I started to use a straw with my drinks because drinking from a glass was next to impossible. I would dribble all over myself and whatever I drank, ended up all over me. So a straw was an easy solution to that problem. Thankfully, after a couple surgeries and hours of speech therapy, the movement in my face came back! I could smile again and just in time for high school.

Although the facial movement has slowly returned to my face and I can drink out of glass now, it’s still easier to use a straw. As my doctor explained once, the muscle around your lips is like a rubber band and when it breaks, the muscle never completely recovers. So I still use a straw most of the time, partly because it’s easier and partly because it reminds me to not take life so seriously.

Some of my friends know I always come prepared with straws and just shake their heads as I pull a folded-up straw out of my pocket. Some women carry lipstick in their purses; I carry straws.

A straw is not only a simple solution to queching my thrist but it also reminds me of how important it is to maintain my childlike innocence. To not view the world from the perspective of a jaded, opinionated adult but as a child full of wonder and imagination. To always look for the best in people, to be hopeful no matter what I face, and to find joy in the simple things. Someone once told me “Life is so much better through a straw”, I think they were onto something with that thought. Straws make a simple drink such as a milkshake or a smoothie seem like a treat or full of adventure. Even at bars, the straws used in fancy drinks make them more appealing.

But the thing is, is it the straw itself that brings out the kid in us or is it our attitude towards  straws? And why only have that attitude when using a straw? Why not approach every day and every moment with that childlike innocence?

No matter what happens, always remember to keep your childlike innocence,. It is the most important thing.

-Federico Fellini