Category Archives: Positive attitude towards life

One step at a time

“Some lessons in life can’t be taught. They simply have to be learned”

-Jodi Picoult

Have you ever made a decision and then shortly afterwards, completely regret it? Like you replay it in your mind a million times, thinking “why was I so stupid?! That was an awful decision.”

My mom’s birthday was last week and to celebrate it my immediate family got together at this cute inn along the Chesapeake Bay. (it’s my mom’s happy place…mine too).  The inn has its own private beach with kayaks and paddleboards and is so peaceful. The grounds are beautifully landscaped with all sorts of flowers. All worries wash away when I’m there.

As everyone gets older and busy with their own lives, it’s rare that we all can get together as a family, so I was definitely excited to see everyone. Well long story short, by the time my brothers and wives arrived, I was already laying out on the beach. As my mom checked into the place, my one brother and his wife came to help me walk back to our place. As I started to stand up from nearly falling asleep in the sun, my brother asked me if I wanted to put shoes on before walking. Being stupid, in a rush, and not thinking, I replied no, walking barefoot. After a couple of minutes of walking, I realized this was a bad decision and the bottoms of my feet started to burn. By the time we reached our place, my feet had burned so much that I couldn’t even stand. Both feet had burn marks but part of my right foot turned black like I had stepped in volcanic ash. Trying to be optimistic, I told everyone it was no big deal but inside I was freaking out. It looked as though it was 3rd degree burn on my right foot. I was so disappointed in myself, how could I be so careless?! I had ruined my feet. Upon finally sitting down in the kitchen and seeing this, we did what any intelligent person would do and “Googled”  how to treat burned feet. Since then, my feet have been wrapped with gauze, covered to avoid infection, and occasionally soaked in epsom salt.

During this week while regretting my decision and being disappointed in myself, I tried to remember what was going through my mind as I made this terrible decision to not wear shoes. My first thought, was really stupid. I had decided that it would look totally ridiculous to walk in a bathing suit and shoes. As I thought of this later in the week, my only thoughts afterwards were “what kind of horrible logic is this?! It’s was a beach! No one cares how you look and while at the beach, most people throw all fashion sense out the window!” My second thought was that of being stubborn and determined to keep walking despite the pain. I could have easily asked my brother to give me a piggy-back ride or to get my shoes because my feet hurt. But no, I was stubborn and stupid!

Within a couple of days after the burn, my left foot started to heal and return to normal but my right foot was still black. Although I had protested going to the doctor, thinking it would be useless, I decided to make an appointment and see if they knew how to save my foot. The fact that part of my right foot was black bothered me but it didn’t hurt as much anymore, making me think maybe the burn had affected my feeling somehow, which really made me start to panic.

Well the doctor didn’t prove useless because they said the big black spot is just a really big blood blister and will probably go away in a couple of weeks. I was so relieved to hear that news and to know my foot wouldn’t have to be amputated or permanently look like I stepped in black tar.

Moral of the story, when walking on hot pavement, always wear your shoes. Who cares if your shoes don’t match your outfit, protecting your feet is much more important. You can always buy new shoes, you can’t always buy new feet. And if you’re in pain or need help, stop, tell someone, and readjust, there is no sense in hiding the truth.

Be determined not stubborn.

Determination is positive, is light, and will take you far. It’s a willingness to change as needed, keeping an open mind.

Stubborn is a heavy feeling, a refusal to budge, a negative, closed mind and will take you nowhere.

1 Comment

Filed under Life in general, Positive attitude towards life

Overcoming my fear of the dishwasher

“What is the biggest thing that stops people from living their lives in the present moment? Fear – and we must learn how to overcome fear”

Brian Weiss

For the past several months, my dishwasher has been slowly dying.

Shortly after I graduated high school, my mom and I decided to redo our kitchen; new counters, new cabinets, new appliances, new everything. Along with choosing the design for the counters, backsplash, and cabinets,; there were several changes I made to the layout so it would be more accommodating for me. First of all, we had a wall knocked down, making the kitchen bigger.  Also, we installed a wall oven so I no longer had to worry about bending down and falling into the oven like Hansel and Gretel. We had several pull-down cabinets installed (great for the vertically challenged) and positioned the stove top near the sink so when making pasta noodles, the pot could just be slid across the counter and drained, instead of having to carry a hot pot across the room (and most likely burning myself). But my favorite thing, which was not cheap, was a dishwasher with drawers!
Years ago, as I was relearning to walk after cancer and radiation, I used to fall quite often. Imagine a baby first learning to walk, except I was 8 years old, was overweight from steroids, and my falls definitely caused a little more damage. My poor knees have permanent scars from some of my greatest falls or those scraps that kept getting reopened. I used to have the tendency to fall into things and break them. The dishwasher happened to be one of those things, one with a single door that pulls down  I landed on top of the door several times when it was open, nearly breaking the door off and causing it to leak as it ran. Needless to say, I felt terrible when this happened and avoided the dishwasher at all costs when it was open. I became afraid of a dishwasher.
So you can imagine my surprise when I found a dishwasher with drawers that I couldn’t break. I was actually really excited about a dishwasher! It had two separate drawers just like a dresser, both equal in size, and you didn’t have to run both at the same time. Sometimes I loaded and washed only the top drawer, other times I loaded both drawers. And the best part was, if I lost my balance accidentally, I didn’t have to worry about breaking it!
dishwasher
But as the saying goes, all good things come to an end and after almost ten years, the dishwasher started dying. The top would no longer drain properly and one day, it just stopped working. So we were stuck with only the bottom drawer, minimizing the amount of dishes we used and more than often, just hand-washing them instead. Then after about four months of this, the dishwater started to make a terrible grinding noise when it was on. I was worried it was going to start a fire, my mom was worried it would flood the kitchen. We attempted to have someone take a look at it and fix it but it ended up that a dishwasher with drawers is so rare and only manufactured by one company so finding someone was next to impossible. So we decided it was finally time to get a new one but were quickly reminded how expensive the dishwasher with drawers was compared to standard dishwashers with a pull-down door. I even searched ADA websites because honestly, dishwashers with a pull-down door are not that user-friendly for people who are wheelchair bound or have other physical limitations. But I couldn’t find anything.  It baffles me how able-bodied people and companies don’t consider these things sometimes, how a simple appliance is not always user-friendly when you’re disabled. After debating over whether the cost would be worth it to get my dream dishwasher again,  I decided to face my fear of breaking the dishwasher and go back to using one with the pull-down door.
After going to Lowes and testing out the doors, I swallowed my fear and bought one with a very sturdy door that would not snap immediately if it was accidentally bumped or fallen on top of.
But something I realized in this process is that my walking is not like it was 20 years ago. Yes, I may not walk straight, have a slight limp, stumble at times, and walk as if I’m drunk but I am no longer an overgrown baby first learning to walk. I do not fall everyday like I used to and thank goodness for that because my knees can’t handle that much falling anymore.  I have better control of my walking, and am more aware of my movements.  Through therapists and coaches, I have learned what works best for me. For example, saying “slow down” is not always good for me. I learned that walking slow also gives my brain too much time to disrupt the signals it sends to my feet. Therefore, what starts out as good foot placement becomes bad foot placement and could result in falling. It is best for me to walk at a steady, controlled,semi-quick pace, not giving my brain time to think or mess up things. This does mean I should walk fast, not a good idea, but is just something I’ve come to be aware of with my body.
The style of my new dishwasher may have some negative memories attached to it but my fear and past experiences should not dictate the present moment. I am a different person now compared to who I was 20 years ago and I am not going to let my fear keep me having clean dishes. So bring it on dishwasher,  I’m not afraid of you!
Live with intention,
Be bold in the face of adversity,
Live the life you were destined for

1 Comment

Filed under Life in general, Positive attitude towards life

Accept yourself with no exceptions

“Positive thinking isn’t about expecting the best to happen every time, it is about accepting that whatever happens is the best for that moment”

We all have had those moments where we go to check Facebook for a quick second and end up spending a half-hour on there, scrolling through our news feed, comparing ourselves to other people. Asking ourselves questions the entire time like “They look like they’re having so much fun and do so many cool things, why is my life so boring?” Or “I wonder why they didn’t invite me? Maybe there’s something wrong with me.” Or “How do your selfies look so perfect? It takes me at least 5 shots to get a picture I don’t hate.”

Admit it. We’ve all been down that road, comparing ourselves to the people around us. Even the most confident and self-assured people are guilty of this. If you have never done that, well kudos to you.

Tonight I had my high school reunion and to be completely honest, I was kind of anxious about it. Seeing what everyone has been up to is awesome and how much everyone has changed. I am so happy for my friends and everything they’ve accomplished. But at the same time I couldn’t help compare myself, it’s human nature.

So after throwing a pity party and momentarily freaking out about my life, I started to come back to reality. The thing is although I am happy for my friends, I would never want their lives and I’m pretty sure they wouldn’t want mine. Where I am in life right now may not be where I expected to be but as we all know too well, life is a wild journey. Having expectations just leads to disappointments.  And comparing ourselves to others is pointless. The world would be incredibly boring if everyone was exactly alike. When we accept ourselves and love who we are, we become empowered and respect ourselves. Therefore attracting respect from others too.

The other week, I met up with a friend for brunch. After spending hours catching up and laughing, we both went our seperate ways. As I was heading home, I thought how nice it was to see my friend and what great things she’s doing with her life but of course, I started comparing myself. Because of my disabilities, I will most likely never be able to drive and although it seems like no big deal, I feel like it holds me back in life. As my mind started to think how if I could drive, my life would more exciting like hers and started to get depressed, my mom and I were rear-ended. Everyone was fine thankfully and besides some minor damage, the car was okay. But in the quick second, I remembered why I’m glad I don’t drive. As a cancer survivor, I would rather go out in another way besides a car accident. Maybe something a little less dramatic. But moral of the story, guess that’s what I get for comparing myself to someone else.

“When you know yourself, you’re empowered.  When you accept yourself, you’re invincible”

1 Comment

Filed under Positive attitude towards life

Shouldn’t the end come first?

Many people die with their music still in them. Why is this so? Too often it is because they are always getting ready to live. Before they know it, time runs out.

~Oliver Wendell Holmes

As I mentioned in another post, one of my resolutions for this year is to read more, to learn more, and to broaden my worldview. Books, articles, blogs, whatever I can get my hands on. Recently, I read The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People by Stephen Covey. This book truly challenged my way of thinking and caused me to examine myself. It is a book I will go back to throughout my life and read over and over. This book is filled with so many great insights on how to approach various situations in life and how to constantly improve yourself.

As the title obviously states, the author describes the 7 habits to becoming more effective, whether in your work environment, with family and friends, and in life. Although each habit really spoke to me, the second habit really stood out to me,  Begin with the end in mind. In describing what he meant, the author asked the reader to imagine being at a funeral-their own funeral. He continued to ask who would be there, what would they say about you, etc. Then he asked if the answers to those questions would align with what your hopes would be. In other words, would the people you hope to be at your funeral be there? What would they say about you? Is it what you would want them to say? Or remember you as?

Although I think most people would say positive things about me, I’m not quite sure about my immediate family. They see sides of me most people don’t, my negative side, my impatient side, my moody side, and my favorite, my “just don’t bother me or speak to me” side. (my brothers use to add an adjective before Beth, it was their special name for me-no, it wasn’t beautiful)

I can only imagine what my stepdad would say, probably she’s a nag, bossy, and, impatient. “Always complaining about something whether I don’t do the dishes, if I track mud through the house, or if I chew too loudly.” After thinking about this, I realized I need to try to be more patient with him, understanding, and communicate my ideas better instead of nagging.

The same goes for my brother who is two years older than me. We have never really gotten along, always arguing about something, constantly fighting, or nitpicking at each other’s flaws. The things he would say about me  I’m sure wouldn’t be pleasant. But when I think about it, I am pretty awful sometimes and need to work on being a better sister instead of placing all the blame on him.

There’s a popular song by Tim McGraw about living like you’re dying that discusses what’s like to live each day knowing it might be your last. Although we all don’t really dwell on the thought of dying someday, it will happen. How do you want to be remembered?  When you imagine your funeral, who do you hope will be there? What do you think they will say? Is it what you hope they would say? And if not, maybe it’s time to re-evaluate.

And I loved deeper
And I spoke sweeter
And I gave forgiveness I’d been denying”
And he said
“Someday I hope you get the chance
To live like you were dying”

-Tim McGraw

wildflowers

1 Comment

Filed under Life in general, Positive attitude towards life

Dancing through life

“Worry is like a rocking chair: it gives you something to do but never gets you anywhere”

-Erma Bombeck

Does anyone else besides me turn up the music really loud and dance around the house when they’re home alone?

So I have a secret confession, I am very guilty of this and my music choices range from Enrique Iglesias (or anything latin pop, great dancing music), Disney classics, Justin Timberlake, Spice Girls, Usher, Chris Brown, and anything with a beat. There is nothing better than to come home after a long, exhausting day and just shake it off. I have found on those kind of days, when I am in a terrible mood and have barely smiled all day, turning on some tunes and dancing around like an idiot is often the best therapy. Within seconds, I find myself smiling and laughing, although I’m usually laughing at myself for being so stupid but at least I’m smiling! My neighbors or anyone walking by my house probably think I’ve gone mad, oh well, they can judge.

For me, dancing has always been a way to relieve stress, fear, and worry. In fact, dancing is probably something that saved my life. Shortly after receiving radiation, when my health started to go downhill, and doctors thought I would die within weeks, instead of giving up, I started to dance. Even though I couldn’t walk by myself, my mom and I would spend hours dancing around our house. She would hold onto my hands just like a mom does when teaching a baby to walk and we would just move to the beat. Every Saturday, the local radio station used to have “a disco night” where they played disco music from 7-11pm.  We would spend hours dancing to disco hits, making up routines to our favorite songs, and shaking “our groove thing”. It was so much fun and quite a workout too. Little by little, my mom started to let go of my hands, I began to pick up my feet, move on my own, and retaught myself how to walk.  Along with my physical health slowly improving, my attitude on life, and my mental health started to turn around too. So technically, dancing and disco music (along with other things) saved my life.

Along with the obvious physical benefits of dancing, it can also help with one’s mental health, keeping your mind sharp and boosting your happiness by releasing endorphins.

endorphins

I am guilty of being a bit dramatic sometimes, second-guessing myself, and worrying way too much. But lately, I don’t know what’s gotten into me but it seems like life has stolen all joy from me. Worrying about tomorrow, next week, or  where I’ll be this time next year. Making up problems in my head, focusing only on what ifs. Being depressed about a present situation and standing still in fear, anxiety instead of taking action to fix that problem. today

But one day this week, after being stuck in a funk, I broke out my iPod, turned the music up loud, and just danced. I felt a genuine smile come across my face as I moved through the room, pretending to be in Justin Timberlake’s Rock Your Body video. Slowly my worries, anxieties, and problems danced away with the music. My mind felt clear once again and my soul felt happy. (yes, it sounds weird but it’s true, don’t judge)

Dancing may not be the secret cure to cancer or the solution to every problem in the world but it is fantastic therapy for body, mind, and soul. So when life brings you a new challenge or a difficult but fun situation to overcome, don’t just stand still, dance through it.

Dancing through life
Swaying and sweeping
And always keeping cool
Life is fraught-less
When you’re thoughtless
Those who don’t try
Never look foolish
Dancing through life
Mindless and careless
Make sure you’re where less
Trouble is rife
Woes are fleeting
Blows are glancing
When you’re dancing
Through life…

-Wicked

Leave a comment

Filed under Positive attitude towards life

You’ve got a friend in me

Some other folks might be
A little bit smarter than I am
Bigger and stronger too
Maybe
But none of them will ever love you the way I do
It’s me and you
And as the years go by
Our friendship will never die
You’re gonna see
It’s our destiny
You’ve got a friend in me

Have you ever wondered if your toys come to life when nobody is watching? Or if they have their own “toy world”?

Toy Story was the beginning of a great relationship between Disney and Pixar, bringing in a new wave of Disney movies and how they were animated. Filled with awesome characters like Woody and Buzz Lightyear who teach us about friendship, life, and dealing with change. Toy Story is the perfect movie for the kid at heart and has captured the interest of people of every age.

For me personally, Toy Story holds a special place in my heart. I have a memory of staying home from school one day, sick with the latest bug spreading around my class. I was in fifth grade and it was a year before my dad passed away from ALS. He had been able to continue to work while he had the disease but was forced to retire two years before his death because the disease had progressed. So when I was home that day, he was there too.

Although my dad didn’t like watching Disney movies as much as I did, Toy Story was one of his favorite Disney movies. I don’t know what it was about Toy Story that he loved, whether it was the new animation style, the idea of toys being alive, or having great actors such as Tim Allen, narrate the voices of the characters. But what I do know is my dad loved that movie and it was a unanimous decision as to what movie we would watch that day. Now whenever I think of Toy Story, it reminds me of my dad and how nice it was to be at home, sick that day.
My dad was an astrophysicist and was extremely intelligent. He actually was part of the team that fixed the lens on the Hubble Space Telescope and worked for NASA However, his math and science genes skipped over me and instead I have my mom’s love of literature and writing.
Sometimes I look up at the night sky and can understand how  my dad was so fascinated with space. Shortly after he died, I did a report for school on stars. Although they are just balls of burning gas, each star is so intricate and detailed. Some creating beautiful designs that paint the universe and illuminating the dark  abyss. (Guess that was one thing he gave me)
]t’s during those times that I often think back to Buzz Lightyear and his famous quote “infinity and beyond!”. Having lived longer without my dad than with him, this quote describes our bond, it goes infinity and beyond. He might have not been there throughout the years, was able to come to my graduations, or be there for other monumental moments in my life; but he still is part of my life. And although I don’t see him on a daily basis, he still shows up whether it is through a song, a random stranger, or even food.  Even though he’s not here, our friendship will never die.
 buzz-lightyear
To infinity and beyond!
-Buzz Lightyear

2 Comments

Filed under Positive attitude towards life

A reflection from under the sea

“The flower that blooms in adversity is the most rare and beautiful of all”

-Mulan

 Judging from my last couple posts, you can probably tell how Disney has influenced my life and the values I have. Like most girls though, when it comes to my favorite characters, I’m partial to the Disney princesses. Some may argue that they all portray women in a bad light or think that true love will solve everything but I don’t totally believe that argument.

Some of the best songs, at least in my opinion, come from movies with these princesses. As an avid swimmer and someone who loves the water, beach; The Little Mermaid has always been one of my favorites. I love Ariel, Flounder, Sebastian, and their undersea family. Ariel is such a dreamer and yearns for more, much like myself growing up.The song Part of Your World and the lyrics have always held so much meaning to me, which is ridiculous because it’s just a song, but it does hold a deep lesson.

Flash forward a couple years in Disney movies to Mulan. Although Mulan does have a love story on the side, unlike most princess movies, it focuses more on Mulan discovering who she truly is. I love all the Disney princesses but Mulan personally appealed to me in how outspoken, determined, and courageous she is. Her character is so much like of my own. For anyone who has seen the Disney movie, you know it is full of great songs like Be a man and A girl were fighting for. But I love Reflection and the messege in that song.

Around the time Mulan was released, I was trying to get adjusted to life post brain cancer and now being physically disabled. It was like one day, I was one person and the next, everything I knew had changed. I went from running around with my friends on crazy adventures, not having a care in the world to struggling to stand or walk on my own and worrying about what I looked like because I was different. My cheeks were swollen from steriods, I had no movement in my face, and my eyes were always irritated. (still are sometimes but not as bad as it was) I became very self-conscious and no matter what I did or wore, people would still stare at me in public like I was some terrible deformed human being.

Reflection became my song. In many ways, I understood exactly what Mulan felt. I didn’t want to be the girl I saw in the mirror. I wanted to be me before cancer, radiation, and becoming physically disabled. I missed being able to run, jump, or walk carelessly through my backyard without worrying about falling flat on my face or hurting myself. This new me was strange and different. I struggled with accepting my new me and finding myself in this new life. Also, add this with the awkward middle school stages I was experiencing and having a father at home slowly dying of ALS, it was definitely not a great time for me.

Because of my insecurities and fears,  I started to let my disabilities define me and hid behind them instead of letting my personality shine through. By doing this I became a shell of myself and was causing my reflection to be blurry to others.

Like Mulan, I realized I needed to challenge myself, to be courageous, and to show people my abilities, instead of hiding behind my disabilities. Along with Mulan, my mind drifted back to Ariel, always wanting more, and thinking of all the possibilities. By learning to embrace my disabilities, I began to make my reflection clear and see the new, exciting opportunities that come with any change. I stopped wishing for the past to come back, faced my fears, and started living in the present moment.  I underwent surgery to repair my face, went on to high school, focused on improving my walking, and even took up gymnastics again (something I never thought I would be able to do after having cancer) Like Ariel, I began to explore the world outside of what I had known and realized how beautiful life could be even if I am disabled. By taking a chance, having courage, and facing my fears, I stepped outside of my bubble, making my reflection clear once again.

 You got your own style so let it come through and remember no matter what, you got to be you

-Sebastian

1 Comment

Filed under Positive attitude towards life