Emotions are the worst

Let’s not forget that the little emotions are the great captains of our lives and we obey them without realizing it.

-Vincent van Gogh

Emotions are the worst sometimes. They tend to overcomplicate things. It’s amazing and also frustrating how the tiniest emotion or our own reaction to a moment can affect our entire mood or attitude towards life. Sometimes we get so caught up in anger, sadness, or rage, that we end up going round in circles with that particular emotion. Almost like on a hamster wheel or a tornado, consuming everything in its path. Eventually if we don’t try to control or rise above that emotion, it overpowers every facet of our lives.

Lately I’ve been struggling with finding joy and being hopeful. Sometimes I think our culture is drawn so much to the negative, that we ignore or overlook the positive, what brings us joy and hope. How easy it is to be sucked down into that black hole of negative thought. We tend to focus on the bad, on the what ifs, and let our fears, insecurities take over. So many times we allow ourselves to get worked up and dwell on things that in the long run really don’t matter. In these moments, I keep reminding myself that I have a choice whether to dwell on the negative, my anxieties, and fears or to choose hope and focus on the positives. So many times it is those tiny emotions or that small mind shift that make a huge difference in our attitude.

The other day, I was doing laundry, nothing really exciting about laundry. As I was loading clothes into the machine, I thought about how this time last year, the laundry was actually in the basement. For years, I wanted to move the laundry room to the main floor so I didn’t have to carry a basket up the stairs. I have to hold a railing when using stairs and doing that while carrying a basket was an adventure. I usually crawled up the stairs while carrying the basket which was a good ab workout but not always fun. Now with the laundry room on the main floor I don’t have to haul baskets up and down stairs anymore which is so nice. Although I kind of miss those ab workouts.

As ridiculous as it sounds, it was a long awaited dream come true for me. But after a year of laundry upstairs, how easy it is for me to take it for granted, to no longer be grateful for what I have. I guess my point is we all have a choice, to choose anger, to be anxious, or consumed with insecurities. Or to choose hope, to cultivate joy, and to be grateful. What will your choice be?

“There was never a night or a problem that could defeat sunrise or hope.”

-Bernard Williams

The simplicity of a straw

Faith walks simply, childlike, between the darkness of human life and the hope of what is yet to come

Catherine Doherty

There’s is something so fun about a straw! Maybe I’m crazy but I just love the simple joy of using a straw. Earlier this week, I bought these cute little “cocktail straws”, perfect for wine, tea, etc. They’re silicone, reusable,  and colorful. It’s the little things that make me happy. Due to losing facial movement at a young age,  it is pretty difficult for me to drink from a glass because my lips are not able to close. So using a straw is just infinitely easier for me. I can drink without a straw but it usually results in choking or dripping all over myself. Maybe some think straws are childish but I could care less. Most people grab their keys when they leave home,  I do too but also straws just in case. 

This past week, was the anniversary of when I started to experience side effects from radiation treatments and became physically disabled. That probably doesn’t sound like something you celebrate to most people but I felt extra grateful that day. 

Thinking back to that time honestly is a blur. I remember certain moments but I think mostly my brain told myself to forget other things. As I was reflecting on that time in life and the years since, having childlike faith and wonder kept popping in my mind. There’s a window in our church of Jesus and the little children, sometimes I like to imagine what it would be like in that window, to be part of that story. Full of simplicity, joy, and love. So often, I think we underestimate the power of childlike faith and wonder. Because of these traits,  children are more intuitive, grateful, trusting, resilient, and forgiving. Upon hearing my story,  people can’t get over how young I was and yet so strong. My age was aa blessing because I don’t know if I’d be as strong today. I owe it all to having childlike faith and trust. 

As we get older, I think we lose that childlike faith. We become jaded, we form grudges, create unfair bias, we get hurt and build walls to protect overselves. I am a professional at building walls when I get hurt but slowly I’m learning to approach those situations with the simple perspective of child. Sometimes I think we all need to let go of what we’ve learned or our negative past experiences. Instead, we need to embrace having childlike faith, hope, and develop an attitude of gratitude. 

Using straws may seem childish to some and I’m sure there are wine connoisseurs who would disapprove but everyone has a right to their own opinion; I like straws and not choking. 

Childlike in faith means the daily acknowledgement of utter dependence and that I owe my life to another

Brennan Manning

Sensory Overload

“The five senses are the ministers of our souls”

Leonardo da Vinci

Isn’t it funny and weird how a good thing in life,  can also be a bad thing or something that can negatively affect how we view life?

The other week, a friend was playing a video on their phone and asked me to guess the voice without seeing the video. Growing up as legally blind in one eye, extremely nearsighted in the other, and refusing to wear glasses out of my own vanity, I’ve learned to recognize voices and depend on my ears more than my eyes. When a friend was shouting at me from across the room, if I couldn’t see them then I could at least hear them. Although the amusing thing about this is I’m also deaf in one ear, so my ears too fail me at times but it’s interesting how my lack of vision is made up by having improved listening skills. The human brain is amazing. Anyways,  I immediately recognized the voice thanks to my ear.

This made me reflect though on the power of our five senses. It’s so easy to take them for granted at times or to overlook the impact something so basic for most of us. Our senses have such an influence on how we react to certain situations, what we think, and how we perceive the world around us. When used correctly, our senses can empower us and equip us to make a difference, whether by listening to others, seeing some way you can help, or reaching out to someone in need. 

However, sometimes I think our senses can negatively influence us. What we see can often cause blindness or create judgment based on our own opinions and bias. The same occurs with hearing, how many times do we hear one thing we don’t agree with and completely shut that person out, ignoring them because their opinion is not ours? I am definitely guilty of this.  I also find it interesting with music, TV, or anything we listen to. We become what we listen to. So many times I fall into this trap of listening to a song or a judgmental podcast,  only to find myself talking and basing my actions of what I listen to. What we feed our souls influences who we become. The power of senses are strong. 

Mother Teresa had a term of keeping custody of your senses, controlling your senses and only recognizing what is necessary, opportunities to spread love and charity. I’ve been reflecting on what this might look like in my life, closing my eyes to distractions, moments that cause me to become impatient, jealous, or angry. Shutting my ears to that rude comment and instead of responding with something equally nasty, responding with kindness or simply walking away in peace. 

Our senses are a powerful gift we have and when we control them and use them appropriately, they can create a positive impact on how we view the world and the impact we have. My question is how are your senses misleading you? Where can you start controlling your senses in your life?

All our knowledge begins with the senses.”

Immanuel Kant

Sunrises are my thing

“Next time a sunrise steals your breath or a meadow of flowers leaves you speechless, remain that way.”

-Max Lucado

Early mornings and sunrises are my thing. To me, there is something so beautiful and exciting about the early morning right before the sunrises. Everything is new, fresh, and unknown. I love waking up early before everyone else and watching the sun slowly come up, shining throughout the house. When we first moved into our house, my dad put cherry wood paneling and shelves throughout our living room. It is a beautiful room, almost something like out of a magazine, minus all the dust. There’s something so magical and captivating about seeing the sun light up the room in the morning, I think he would be proud of his work. Early mornings like this fill me with such wonder and hope.

I have been reading a book about the Beatitudes, trying to deepen my understanding of their meaning. However, I haven’t gotten very far because I keep re-reading what it means to be poor in spirit and how the other Beatitudes tend to stem from that. One of the basic characteristics of the poor in spirit is wonder and awe, to face every situation with childlike faith and delight in whatever surprise the day might hold. This is something I really need to work on.

After a year of putting it off, I finally broke down and bought a new contact because the lense needed to be updated. Because I’m legally blind in one eye, I’m always hesitant to wear a contact on my good eye on the rare chance something would go wrong and I lose my vision completely. But despite the risk, I love my contact and not having to wear glasses that always slide off my face. My eyesight is much clearer with a contact and I tend to notice things I typically wouldn’t notice, which is good and bad. For example, I never truly stopped and noticed how intricate and delicate a leaf was until the first time I wore my contact.  In that moment, I felt a sense of awe, wonder, and gratitude. However, last time I wore my contact, I instantly noticed how bushy my eyebrows were and felt self-conscious about it all day. Guess those Italian genes are pretty strong. Bushy eyebrows are something I usually don’t pick up on but with improved vision, it’s so much easier to nitpick everything that’s wrong, at least in my opinion. With my contact in, I’m more aware of self and is that really a good thing? Sometimes I think our vision, our perceptions, and what we judge to be right often causes us to lose that sense of wonder and awe. We have a tendency to over-analyze, over-think, and complicate things instead of just being content with what is.

This week my goal is to not lose that wonder and sense of excitement I see in a sunrise. To try to not let the chaos or unexpected surprises of the day take that wonder away. 

“Always be on the lookout for the presence of wonder”

-E.B. White

Unexpected Interactions

“Joy comes to us in moments—ordinary moments. We risk missing out on joy when we get too busy chasing down the extraordinary.”

― Brené Brown

Have you ever had one of those moments where a random memory seems to pop into your mind out of nowhere? Every little detail seems to come back. It’s almost as though someone took that thought and moved it to the front of your brain for a reason. Well the other day this happened to me.

Years ago as I was flying home from Pittsburgh, I remembered a brief encounter with a good Samaritan. Being disabled and with all my walking issues, I usually used a wheelchair because it was faster and easier. When I flew alone, being in a wheelchair just made life so much easier. The people who would take me to the airport would get me a wheelchair at the entrance and from there airport staff took me through security and to my gate.

I was reminded though of a time I was waiting at the gate, awkwardly sitting in an oversized airport wheelchair. The plane didn’t arrive for another 15 minutes so the gate was fairly empty. This man from the waiting area randomly came over to me and said he was going to buy food and asked if I wanted anything. He was dressed in a suit so I assumed he was traveling for business. He kind of reminded me of my dad or my brothers, they would do something like that. My initial thought was how kind and considerate of you. But after thanking him, I politely said no because I wasn’t hungry and to be honest, part of me that overthinks everything, thought this might not be a safe idea.

A couple weeks ago, as my mom and I were waiting for smoothies at Dunkin, an older man, probably in his late 70s, came up to us and just started making friendly conversation. He had high black socks, great fashion sense, and was very joyful. He honestly kind of reminded me of Santa Claus. As the man went to leave, he said in a cheerful voice to both of us “When you get to be my age, I’ll be waiting for you and I’ll still be the same age” and casually walked out the door. Weeks later, I’m still not quite sure what he meant but it has left me wondering.

My mom sometimes jokes how I have a weird way of attracting older men, they tend to look at me like a daughter, like they know my dad is dead or something. But I often wonder who those good Samaritans in our lives really are. If they are a loved one from the past trying to communicate with us, an angel, or even God. Of course, it could just be someone who wants to spread joy and make a stranger’s day brighter. Or maybe someone who wants to perform a random act of kindness. Whatever it is, I think it is important to be open to those moments. Sometimes in the rush of the day, it’s easy to overlook simple interactions or brush them off as strange or questionable. But it’s sometimes in the simple, ordinary moments that we encounter the unexpected or a kind word that we need to hear.

“We may ignore, but we can nowhere evade the presence of God. The world is crowded with Him. He walks everywhere incognito.”

-C.S. Lewis

Grateful to swim

“Your mind is like this water, my friend. When it is agitated, it becomes difficult to see. But if you allow it to settle, the answer becomes clear.”

Kung Fu Panda

Have you ever had one of those days where you just feel useless, irritated, and depressed? When everything you do throughout the day seems pointless and exhausting? 

Yesterday was one of those days for me where I felt defeated, annoyed with life, and ungrateful. The entire day seemed like a waste, I kept worrying about everything and anything, and nothing was going as I planned.

At the end of the day, I talked myself into swimming because exercise is proven to boost your mood and at least I could go to bed knowing I did something productive and maybe feel energized. Halfway through my first lap, I noticed beautiful pink and orange colors from the sunset, like someone just ran a paintbrush through the sky. I immediately thought “Wow, thank you for that slap in the face and giving me a chance to see this, making me realize what I have.” 

After that experience and a much needed swim, I started to change my attitude. It is so easy to get stuck in a rut, to allow stupid little things throughout the day bother you and make you feel angry or ungrateful. But after stopping to watch the sunset, as cliché as it sounds, it made me feel grateful and my whole attitude seemed to shift. It really is amazing how something as simple as gratitude changes everything. Earlier this year, I was taking a class on saints and we studied St. Augustine. I’ve always been intimidated by this super smart guy but something that really struck me is the emphasis he put on gratitude, how such a basic thing can influence so much of our lives. Whether Catholic or not, I think that is a belief we all can get behind.

When I woke up today, some of those negative emotions seemed to linger but I said to myself today I choose to be grateful, today instead of anger I choose joy.

” It is not joy that makes us grateful. It is gratitude that makes us joyful.”

Anonymous

Wisdom in painting

“Today is a wonderful day. I’ve never seen this one before.”

Maya Angelou

Social media is such a trap sometimes. It’s so nice being able to stay updated with old friends, read inspirational stories, follow events from around the world, etc. But there’s nothing like scrolling through Instagram or Facebook, getting caught up on things and all of a sudden seeing something and that feeling of comparison starts to creep in which leads to feelings of being ungrateful.. Things like “My life is not that exciting. What is wrong with me?” or “What am I doing with my life? They seem to have everything figured out.”  Social media is notorious for that. I don’t know about you but for me, the second I start to compare myself, I become depressed, worried, ungrateful, and doubt pretty much everything.

Compared to most people, my life is pretty simple, maybe boring to some but I like my simplicity. I don’t feel like I have to go somewhere exotic or need to constantly have my calendar booked with social events in order to enjoy life. Don’t get me wrong, I love seeing friends and going on new adventures but I also enjoy little things like sitting outside, listening to the birds or a quiet evening spent reading a book. Simplicity is something I strive for. But it’s so easy to fall into that trap of comparison and being ungrateful. whether through social media or life in general. 

The other day, I was painting window sills and my mom randomly said “You know, you’re not supposed to be able to do this.” After struggling with brain cancer, dealing with unwanted side-effects from radiation, and becoming disabled, my doctors never imagined I would be alive yet alone painting. Due to radiation, I lost a lot of fine-motor movements and still struggle with simple tasks like handwriting or opening a can. So the fact I can paint fine lines, without making a mess is honestly pretty cool. Her comment just stuck with me. Caught up in my useless worries and comparison, I overlooked this simple act of holding a brush and painting. This may sound like nothing to most people but for me, it’s a small victory. It’s the simple things in life that make me feel grateful. And when you are grateful, it’s amazing how other unwanted feelings tend to disappear or at least, shrink.

Maybe my life isn’t that of my friends on Instagram, maybe I’m not living an extravagant lifestyle, doing something exciting every weekend, or I don’t know where I’ll be in 5 years, I don’t even know about tomorrow. I do know today is a great day to be alive and I’m grateful for the little, simple things.

“May you trust God that you are exactly where you are meant to be“

-St. Teresa of Avila

Fish Lips

“We shall never know all the good that a simple smile can do”

Mother Teresa

There’s something so beautiful and simple about a smile. A smile is such a tiny gesture that can communicate so much. And yet, how often do we take smiles for granted?

Around this time of year, I’m always reminded of finally getting my smile after 7 years of waiting and hoping. When I was 7 years old and started to experience side effects from radiation treatments, one of the first things I lost was facial movement in the right side of my face. As a result, the right side of my face became saggy, bloated, and lost definition. I couldn’t smile or frown or control the right side of my face but the weird thing was I still had facial movement on my left side. So I could half-smile, it was kind of like Two-Face from Batman. But that only lasted a few months because as side effects from radiation worsened, I eventually lost movement in my left side too, losing total facial movement. Because I had no control of my lips, I would drool on a regular basis. Out of all the side effects I experienced from radiation treatments, losing facial movement ranks up there as one of the things I was less than thrilled about. Mentally and emotionally, it did a number on my self-confidence at the time and is still something I tend to be somewhat self-conscious about. It was difficult to express happiness because no matter what I did, my face always remained in the exact same, almost lifeless position. At this time, although I could see somewhat normal, my eyes appeared crossed. Thankfully, that was fixed with a simple procedure. So between my face and my eyes, I was quite a sight to see. 

After two unsuccessful surgeries at restoring facial movement and years of trying to find a doctor, I finally got an appointment with someone who might be able to help my case. I underwent two surgeries, one for each side and each a year apart because there needed to be a year in between in order for the procedure to work properly. The change was not immediate but it has slowly progressed over the years. More than 15 years later, I still feel the effects from those surgeries. I will be sitting reading or talking to someone and all of a sudden, my cheek muscles twitch, like someone is pulling the muscles in my face. When that happens, it is impossible not to smile because it only reminds me of a time where I didn’t have that feeling in my face, where my face was lifeless, like a big blob and it felt as though there was no point in being happy because I couldn’t smile.

The other week, as I was looking at photos of myself now, I was quick to point out everything I didn’t like in the photo. We are our own worst critics. Something doctors could never fix  was the area around my lips. According to them, at least in my case, the muscle is like a rubber band and once it snaps, it is next to impossible to correct. So for example, when drinking, I always use a straw because it’s difficult to close my lips. I’d rather not wear my drink. But in pictures, I always feel like I have lips like a fish or look like my mouth is constantly open because I can’t close my lips. We are our own worst critic.

As my mom and brother looked at the same photo,  they both didn’t see what I was talking about. Maybe they were being nice because they have to live with me and didn’t want to deal with me in a bad mood. Although I’m pretty sure they would tell me if I looked bad, especially my brother. After all the time of not having facial movement, you would think I would just be thankful for having a smile and shape to my face once again. How quick we are to want more, to overlook what we have? As I looked again at the photo, I realized I’d rather have my imperfect face and uneven smile instead of having no smile at all. We often forget the joy a simple smile can have. I try not to take my smile for granted but some days I do. It’s so easy to frown, to be negative, or just have a cold look on our face. To focus on all the bad things and overlook all of the blessings in life. But I am grateful for my simple smile, fish lips, and for my life no matter how messy it is sometimes.

 “Sometimes your joy is the source of your smile, but sometimes your smile can be the source of your joy.”

–Thich Nhat Hanh

We all need encouragement

“Kind words can be short and easy to speak, but their echoes are truly endless.”

-Mother Teresa

Isn’t there something so nice about a random thank you, an unexpected compliment from someone, or an encouraging word at just the right moment? I am a firm believer in compliments and words of encouragement, you never know what impact your words might have. Based on personal experience, words of encouragement have helped me to believe in myself, to feel a little more confident in myself, improved my overall attitude, and usually caused me to take that sunshine someone just handed me and spread it around to everyone else.

I remember one time when I was out with family at a restaurant. When the waitress came around to get our orders, my mom looked at her and before she could say anything, my mom immediately said “you have beautiful eyes”. The waitress looked up from her list with a surprised look, blushed, and smiling said thank you. Years later, my brothers make fun of my mom who clearly caught that waitress off guard, joking how my mom probably made her uncomfortable by basically hitting on her. Like me, my mom is a believer in encouraging words and spreading kindness everywhere you go. But that simple compliment, changed the whole demeanor of the waitress. She went from table to table smiling, friendly, and confident. Of course, she wanted a nice tip and was working for that too but I like to believe that one little compliment made a difference in how she felt about herself.

Sometimes I feel as though we overlook the power of words, what a simple thank you means or words of encouragement. We tend to get so caught up in focusing on ourselves and thinking only about what is going on in our own lives, we forget those around us. That there are other lives that matter beside our own. Lately, I’ve been thinking of words of encouragement in my own life. Working from home and not seeing friends and family as much has definitely put a damper on my self-confidence and overall attitude towards life. But in the past week, I have been reminded of what a simple thank you or a kind word can mean, the impact they have. Personally, it makes me feel appreciated, important instead of worthless, and helps to erase doubts I have created in my mind. Words of encouragement, although they might appear as flirting or be misunderstood, acknowledges the dignity of those around us and is one of the easiest ways to spread positivity, hope, and, love.

“Kind words are a creative force, a power that concurs in the building up of all that is good, and energy that showers blessings upon the world.” 

-Lawrence Lovasik

Warmth of the Heart

“I say to myself that I shall try to make my life like an open fireplace, so that people may be warmed and cheered by it and so go out themselves to warm and cheer.”

—George Matthew Adams

I do not like the cold of the winter or to be cold period. Constantly shivering and being frozen. My toes turn weird colors, my hands turn to ice, and my joints get tight. When I was younger, I loved the cold and it wasn’t unusual for me to walk around the house in shorts and a t-shirt when it was 20 degrees outside. Because of the radiation treatments I went through at a young age, my body temperature was always warmer compared to most and I tended to exude heat. My friend actually used to call me radioBeth because whenever she hugged me, whatever temperature it was outside, I was warm. I was like my own little furnace. However with time, the radiation has left my body and I find myself easily getting cold. Unlike my younger self, I layer up in warm clothes, drink lots of tea, and enjoy snuggling under a comfy blanket.

So for Christmas, my mom got me a super cozy knit blanket from Ireland. It’s nothing fancy, just a simple cream-colored throw with green shamrocks along the edge. Our plan is to go to Ireland when my mom retires but with COVID, that trip might be postponed for now but she thought a blanket from there might be a nice surprise. Well let me tell you, this blanket is so incredibly warm! It’s crazy how a blanket with holes in it can trap so much heat. There have been times when I actually have to move the blanket because I’m too hot. It’s like I’m a kid again and not always freezing.

The blanket along with keeping me nice and toasty, reminds me of the warmth of childhood and having a childlike perspective on life. There are so many differing opinions and such anger in the world today. People trying to understand everything and getting irritated when they don’t get what they want. Sometimes I think the best thing we can do is to take a step back and try to look at the world through a child’s perspective. Instead of over examining and trying to control everything, simply live and take a look from a child’s point of view.

“See the world with the innocence of children.
Approach the world with the daring of children.
Love the world with the readiness of children.
Heal the world with the purity of children.
Change the world with the wisdom of children.”

-Neale Donald Walsch